I’ve always had kind of mixed feelings when it comes to service. I wrote about service once before for Kink Academy where I talked a lot about intention and some background in my relationship with my partner of six years, Onyx. If you haven’t read that one I encourage you to do so.
This week, however, I’m writing about new service-oriented videos that just came out, specifically those by Mollena Williams. I’m not the only one who has written about her, no doubt because the videos are awesome and Mollena is an amazing teacher. I have only seen her speak once in person, at a conference a few years ago, but I have been following her on Twitter for far longer than that, so I was really excited when I saw her first Kink Academy video pop up in my feed reader.
Strength in Service is kind of like Powerful Submissive 101, in it she dispells some frequent misconceptions, such as the notion that a submissive looks a certain way or that if you do not do x, y, and z that means you must not be a submissive. She also highlighted the fact that we use the phrase power exchange, even though too often the exchange aspect is overlooked. When done right, everyone involved will be recharged by the experience, not just sucked of energy. I was also drawn to the notion of the “prime directive’ of submission/service: it is the responsibility of the property/slave/submissive to protect the dominant’s/owner’s/master’s property at all times up to and including from the owner themselves.
In bringing the things she talked about in the video to myself I began thinking about the failed attempt at implementing service in my relationship years ago. I think that part of the reason why it didn’t work was because by that point I wasn’t getting the right kind of exchange back for it and I rarely had in the past either, not just from Onyx but from everyone I had been with. I have always been a giving person and loved to help others and to do for others, but there came a point where I wasn’t getting nearly enough back. When it wasn’t an exchange, when it was just one-sided, the thing that once fulfilled me turned draining. It wasn’t enjoyable anymore, so I stopped doing it, which was a huge detriment to our relationship. Luckily we figured out the problem eventually, it just took a while, and I am returning to my service-oriented desires and we are beginning to incorporate them into our relationship again.
Just last night, actually, Onyx and I talked about adding a few service protocols to our relationship, specifically regarding door opening and a bit of butlering duty, that is, assisting with the removal of his coat and shoes when he gets home. We were having a longer discussion regarding our relationship and service and I asked if we could incorporate those aspects. Previous to that, in the last couple of months, we have been creating a daily checklist to help me keep on track with the work that I do for him and the work I do for myself (I am self-employed). It has really begun turn all of the things I do into things I do for him, which has been extremely satisfying. I’m really overjoyed that service is slowly coming back into our relationship.
The Service Mindset was incredibly inspiring. Just about everything Mollena expressed resonated with me deeply, making me realize even more and yet again that I am actually a service submissive (I know, you probably got that from everything I’ve already said in this post, but for quite a few years I was resisting that identity). She touched on one of the things that really draws me to submission: the ability to have my over-analytical hummingbird brain turned off for a while. Instead of focusing on all the chaos happening in my own little world I am able to focus on someone else, which is extremely relaxing and energizing. She also brings a lot of concepts in that are a little spiritual oriented, such as living in the moment, service as “meditation on the will of someone else,” and considering the submissive aspect of the personality to be sacred, all of which are extremely important to me.
I’ve actually watched over both of these videos at least three times each, probably more, and I keep getting more out of them. Just today was the start of the second book in the (Kinky) Sacred Sexuality Book Club that Onyx and I are hosting so I have been thinking a lot about bringing sacredness into kink and, how, as a magician, it is something that is almost inherent even though it hasn’t been completely intentional. Now that it is becoming more intentional, however, it is becoming even more apparent.
Looking at service through the lens of spirituality, sacredness, and the like has brought me to a greater understanding of it. While I have had this peripheral idea of spiritual kink there was just so much else that was getting in the way, I couldn’t focus on it. Now, however, both Onyx and I are realizing our path in sacred D/s and working to figure out how we can fit together even better now. It’s pretty remarkable. While I wouldn’t credit this video completely with the transformations in point of view it came to me at just the right time.
I don’t exactly know where all of this is leading, though it seems to be going in the right direction. Luckily I’m not really worried about where it is going, I’m just on for the ride and really interested to find out.