Learning how to negotiate for your own needs is a vital skill for any submissive or bottom. Knowing how (and being able) to stand up for your own safety and boundaries both before the scene starts and after can be the difference between a happy and healthy scene and an unfortunate incident. Cecilia Tan explains how to approach any new negotiation with open communication, honesty, and preparation.

With her usual wit and humor, Cecilia Tan delves into the topic of ‘blame’ within BDSM experiences such as when a ‘mistake’ is made during a scene and the submissive’s tendency to ‘self-blame’. She discusses how to negotiate the desire to stay in ‘sub-space’ while still communicating about physical or psychological limits and needs in order to prevent more serious consequences.

As an experienced, active, and long-time player in the BDSM Scene, Cecilia Tan shares some stories of ‘scenes gone bad’ in the hopes that it might prevent others from making the same mistakes.

When looking for love (or maybe just a hot kinky scene ; ) there are some key issues for a submissive individual to consider when meeting someone new. Cecilia Tan talks about how to navigate those first introductions, whether it’s connecting with someone from the internet, or hooking up at a public play party, and what to think about before agreeing to go home with someone you’ve just met.

It’s not only the ‘tops’ responsibility to watch out for safety, it’s important for the ‘bottom’ (or submissive) to ensure their own safety. Cecilia Tan discusses some vital things to consider when agreeing to play with a new partner including; how you met the person, getting references, and setting up future play dates with all the necessary precautions. Plus she fully explains the ‘safe call’, a frequently used technique for new play partners to keep everyone safe and accounted for.

The topic of ‘refusing’ or ‘requesting’ within the power dynamic can be confusing and can contribute to the deterioration of the relationship unless prior negotiation is taken care of. Cecilia Tan gives lots of great suggestions for discussing the real need to consider each person’s right to ask for or deny playtime. With the important reminder that negotiation is an on-going experience in any 24/7 experience, Cecilia brings up the key questions to talk about when establishing relationship boundaries with consideration to real life needs.

And now…sex! This is such a central part of what BDSM is for many people, that it’s especially important to consider and discuss with your partner. Cecilia Tan explains how ‘kink’ needs and ‘sex’ needs can sometimes go together, (though not always!) and so discussing those expectations (like how often, how intense, etc.) and the way that each person can express their needs within the power dynamic.