Polyamory is something that has been on my mind for a long time. I’ve written posts on it. I’ve been in different relationships simultaneously. I’ve read books on it and I’ve talked to a lot of people about it. Mostly asking:
How do you do poly?
How does it work for you?
How do you deal with jealousy?
How do you split your time?
How do you do you poly with BDSM?
This week I watched some of Sarah Sloane‘s video‘s on KinkAcademy and I’ve been thinking about it all week. Having met two great guys in the past few weeks inadvertently helped with my homework as well. It leaves me asking myself some questions.
Do I want to be consensually non- monogamous? or do I want to be polyamorous?
Can I be poly?
The video’s talked about different kinds of relationships, some I’ve been in but with different roles. Being a sub to one, and a top to another makes it a little easier to split energies for me. Maybe I can be in a vanilla relationship with one person and a D/s relationship with someone else. What about if I meet two Doms? What if I am attracted to them both? What if I start to really like them both? What then?
While after such a short time, it’s impossible to know what kind of relationship is/was possible with either of these men, but I did realize something interesting about me.
I am not even sure that I can really LIKE two people at the same time with great success let alone be romantically involved.
What I found in 7 short days, is that when I was with or talking to one, I would be all moony-eyed about him and questioning my feelings/ intentions for the other. Then of course the same would happen the other way around. I know myself and I know that if I have a primary partner, I would put 90% of my energy into that partner- leaving much less for the other. My thought is to NOT have a primary partner, that would solve everything right? Don’t get emotionally involved.
However, remaining stoic, emotionally closed off and NOT moony-eyed is really just not my style either. I’m an emotional girl and find myself drawn to that. So what’s a girl to do when I can’t find a good balance? Is it fair that one person gets 75 and the other gets 25 at any given time?
I understand the ideas behind poly. I understand that there are definitely some good things things and some not-so-good things. I understand how it works for some people and I absolutely believe that someone can care for multiple people on an emotional level. What I wonder is, can I do it in a way that is fair to my partners? I hear a lot of conversations from people saying that monogamy is outdated, stupid, drinking the Kool-aid, and a lot of “You’re doing it wrong” talk. I don’t know about that. I’ve spend a lot of years being ‘adulterous’ having secret affairs and not feeling like it was ok to have feelings for anyone other than my primary partner, regardless of that nature of that relationship. Now I am learning that there is another way, that consensual non-monogamy can be ok, that polyamory can also be ok. There is a way of thinking and living that works for people who feel that they can and want to be in multiple loving relationships.
The next step for me is to figure out if it is truly a way of thinking and living that works for me? I’m looking forward to watching more video’s on KinkAcademy.com as there is so much information out there, as well as in books and the wealth of knowledge from my friends and fellow kinksters.
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Why worry about labeling yourself so much? From what I am learning, my understanding is, being “poly” is simply having the ability to love more than one person. Of course, in doing so, you are involved in consensual non-monogamy. It is possible, however, to be in consensual non-monogamy and NOT be polyamorous. You don’t have to love the people you are involved with, just be open and honest with them.
You can only be responsible for your own emotions. As long as you are open and honest with all the people you are involved with, why worry about how your time and/or emotions are split between them? As long as they know what the situation is, they are responsible for their own emotions. Now, that being said, if they require more from you, they will say so, and it’s up to you to figure out how things will work out. Try not to worry about the future and focus on the now. I think the feeling of “this is not ok” is hard to get rid of. Even I suffer from that even though my husband assures me it’s ok. Again, if everything is aware and on the same page, there really isn’t much to worry about. Take things one day at a time and one challenge at a time. *grins*
It’s not really the label that concerns me. Its not even concern really. It’s just that I struggle to ‘go with the flow’. I like having a map. I like knowing what is going to happen and what will be expected of me. This is why I think I worry about the division of time and attention. I would worry about splitting it between my partners, the same as I would worry about how it would be split between myself and another partner.
I try to be really self aware and not get in too far over my head. While I’m careless with my own heart, I try NEVER to be that way with others…
Thanks for your comments, Mina.
Comment on my blog from Kitten:
My relationship is special. I identify as polyamorous, he does not. So, there’s always this tight rope 80 stories high that I walk. It’s easier for me to find a secondary partner, than it is for him. This, we’ve found has led to jealousy, and resentment of the attention I’m able to get. Whereas he only receives attention from me. Once I’m emotionally attached to someone, it’s damn near impossible for me to break away from them unless they are the ones who end it. For example, Angel.
So far, the secondary partner I’ve found is a good fit for both of us. Amazing partner for me, great friend to him. There’s been minor jealousy, but it’s been worked through. We’ve all 3 slept in the same bed for a night. hehe
I mostly see my secondary partner when I’m off of work, and he’s at work. By splitting time this way, it’s cut down on a lot of the jealousy. I’ll probably see my secondary partner more when he gets a job at the place I work at, but we’ll see how that goes in a month.
I wish that it was okay for me to have a poly D/s relationship. I would love the chance to serve multiple Dominants. Unfortunately, that is a line that has been drawn in our relationship. Apparently, if him and I can’t have a D/s relationship, then no one can with me. *sighs*
Relationships are hard, man. Just do what my secondary partner’s doing: dating 4 girls at the same time, and being very vocal about not wanting a relationship with any of them. “I just want to enjoy, and be enjoyed.” he says.
Comment on my blog from OS79:
Personally, I wouldn’t go as far as feeling bad about this. What is to be fair about, in the first place? You will feel what you feel at that exact moment. Feelings don’t hurt people. Actions do. So my opinion is: Just take each partner in your life to your comfortable level and then when your schedule call for other partner, do the same. No comparisons between them. Feel them. Maybe feel for other partner at the same time if you must but remember your mind is a powerful tool. As you continue to accept into your body these awkward feelings and rationalize them over time, they will slowly go away.
So your feelings is something you need to deal with at your pace but remember they won’t hurt anyone. Your actions will.
No, not an easy solution or way of life to live but it is the most logical that incorporate humans’ need for emotions, comfort zone, and balance all in one swing.
I am polyamorous because I had been on a monogamous relationship before and decided without doubt that it wasn’t for me. So, I decided to accept “bad” parts of poly (what type of balance, how much for each person, communication, etc, etc) and move forward because the simple thing is we are complex creatures, and we just can not escape our concerns for propriety. Really, I would say that your concern for others’ perceptions of fairness is good but I doubt they would notice that much, you know?