Being kinky was never an issue for my husband and I when we were younger, growing up in a liberal place with a long relationship, because everybody in our circle just knew. When we intentionally started getting involved in kink again after some quiet years (me at home with our small children and him at a new job) we were worried for a time about being outed or other people finding out about our involvement in kink. Itās different when you’re older and your friends are your kid’s playgroup and your partner has a big job. The way the media represents us isn’t necessarily kind, either, and most folks had at best a not-so-great book or movie as a point of reference.
When we looked at what I was really doing in the kink scene, though, creating community and educational opportunities, I was proud of it. I also wondered how real my non-kink friendships would be if people found out who we really were.
That is, frankly, a pretty shallow and lonely way to live in a community. We tried hiding it for a few months but decided the friendships we would lose or miss out on werenāt going to be worth much to us anyway if they could disappear like that. There are some places where my involvement in kink is appropriate to discuss, such as when close friends and I are talking about work and hobbies and dishing about sexuality-related topics.
There are other places where it isn’t a discussion topic for anyone – like when our kids are around. I think it’s important, in terms of knowing what to share, to know where you are in the world, who youāre with, and what’s generally appropriate in that social circumstance. I don’t want to tell random people at a barbecue about my sexuality any more than I want them to tell me about theirs.
My biggest fear about outing right now isnāt that someone will find out what I do, but that the information wonāt come from me in a way that it can be a conversation.
Ozma of Oz
One thing that we decided early on is that we would not sneak. There is nothing wrong with what we do, so we don’t hide it. Weāve been more and less obvious in bond and appearance over the years but for the most part the answer to ānice necklace!ā is always going to be a simple āthanks!ā and not my life story. Anyone Iām close to has been told by me. Anyone who might be finding out more through any unexpected channel can hopefully look back on knowing us as people and see that it’s out there.
Hopefully, Iāve told them myself. I’ve outed myself at the level that it has been appropriate all along to claim my own story and its presentation. My partner is proud of the work that I do and his role in it. Weāre highschool sweethearts who beat the odds and have a wonderful if somewhat nontraditional life. Part of our due diligence for being who and where we are is preparing for the unexpected, which includes being outed.
One thing I do worry that is that someone, somewhere, might share what they think they know about me in a way that isn’t kind or accurate, possibly with another someone who might interact differently with my family afterwards. I have no control over that, but I can protect myself with excellent people in my life and plan my reaction and my moves after.
I have a right to privacy as much as anyone else, and my private sex life is out of bounds as conversation in most arenas. If someone has brought it up and outed me? The onus is on them. I am doing nothing wrong. I’m proud of the work that I do. Itās personally enjoyable and professionally fulfilling and in the right company I love to talk about it.
My husband and I have chosen to discuss my work in an age-appropriate manner with our children, including how creating and maintaining space for folks in alternative lifestyles might be taken poorly by some people and what that might look like. We live in a world where this stuff exists and they might possibly encounter this issue through malicious intent or well-intentioned lack of information so as much as weād like to never have these conversations we do.
My fear of being found out is tempered by the knowledge that doing what I do in a way thatās upstanding is my best protection if it happens.
Iām on my third āHate Has No Home Hereā sign for my house – they keep disappearing and I keep putting them back. I think I believe in the message more each time I drive the stakes into the ground. At this point in history I donāt believe thereās room for ambiguity in where to stand and what to stand for.
I canāt be shamed from where I stand. I already know how people might view me if they donāt know me yet and am prepared for that conversation if it comes up. The people that matter most to me in the world are with me in support regardless of how I am perceived by others.
