5 Green Flags in Kinky Relationships

A couple cuddling in bed

When we talk about healthy kinky relationships, red flags get a lot of airtime—and for good reason. But what about the green flags? The behaviors and practices that signal not just safety, but care, maturity, and mutual respect? Especially in BDSM dynamics, where cultural mores for what a healthy relationship “should” look like are often tossed out the window, we need to define our own ways of gauging the quality of our relationships.

To be clear, every relationship is different and even unhealthy dynamics usually include some positive qualities. Just because a green flag is present, that doesn’t mean it’s a healthy relationship overall. Use your intuition and look at the whole picture when assessing your relationships.

Here are five green flags that can signify a solid, supportive foundation in any kinky relationship—whether it’s a casual connection, a committed partnership, or anything in between.

1. You Revisit Your Yes/No/Maybes Regularly

Our desires, curiosities, and limits change! The things you were curious about last year may be off the table now. On the other hand, a kink that once squicked you out might be starting to pique your interest. Growth and change are a part of any kinky relationship.

Check in occasionally to ensure both of your desires and requests are understood, respected, and met. This will help you to stay in tune with each other and show that you value each other’s needs in the relationship.

Here are some check-in questions to try:

  • What are you excited about in kink right now?
  • How have you been feeling about our kinky play lately?
  • Is there anything you’re wanting in kink that we haven’t explored yet?
  • Is there anything you want to change about our kinky dynamic?

(For a helpful guide to creating your own Yes/No/Maybe lists that help you get what you want out of sex and kink, check out our Yes, No, Maybe Workbook.)

2. You Acknowledge the Impact of Sexual Injustice

As much as we might wish they did, our kink lives don’t exist in a vacuum. The world we live in—full of inequality, stereotypes, and stigma—affects how we access pleasure and how safe we feel in our self expression. Things like abortion restrictions, anti-LGBTQ+ policies, purity culture, racism, sexism, past traumas, and the criminalization of kink all play a role in how we show up in relationships.

In order for your partner to understand your experience of your relationship, they need to understand how sexual injustice issues impact you. Even if they can’t experience what it’s like to be you in the world firsthand, talking about how systems of oppression affect each of you can help to build empathy and awareness. Maybe your partner grew up in a deeply religious household that still haunts their sense of agency in sex. Maybe you’ve spent years feeling ashamed of your queerness and repressing your sexuality because of internalized homophobia. These are things that are important to understand about each other—not because you need to fix them for each other, but because showing up with compassion is necessary for deep intimacy.

3. You Respect Each Other’s Safer Sex Needs

It’s hard to be vulnerable in a scene if you’re worried about STI risks or feeling unsure about boundaries around fluid exchange. Safer sex conversations aren’t just practical—they’re sexy in the way that genuine care is sexy.

Partners who ask, “What do you need to feel safe and comfortable with our play?” show they understand that erotic safety is more than just physical. If you haven’t already, talk about STI testing schedules, barrier method preferences, and your individual comfort zones. And remember, you don’t have to justify your boundaries—any good kink partner will understand that these are very personal choices and that you know what’s best for you.

Learn to navigate safer sex in kink:

4. You Talk About Internalized Stigma and Gaps in Your Sex Ed

Most of us weren’t raised with affirming messages about sex and kink—if we got any sex education at all. We might carry shame, confusion, or misinformation that shows up in subtle ways during play. Reflecting on your sexual knowledge and any challenging feelings will prevent those things from coming out in unintentional ways.

A green flag is when you and your partner can say, “Hey, I think I still have some stuff to unpack here.” You don’t need to be perfect—you just need to be honest and open to learning. Reflecting on your own hangups can actually help you better support your partner through theirs. Bonus points if you’re willing to read, attend workshops, or seek out other resources together.

Here are some questions to ask each other:

  • What are your hangups about sex and kink?
  • What do you wish you knew more about sex and kink?
  • What are you insecure about in kink?
  • How can we expand our kinky knowledge and comfort together?

Remember to approach these sensitive conversations without judgment. Your partner’s biggest hangup might be something that has always been easy for you—and vice versa. Growth happens when we approach intimate topics with kindness, not harshness.

Consent is so much more than just a yes or no—it’s an ongoing conversation with both verbal and nonverbal cues. Making sure you’re on the same page about your kinky play (as well as your emotional connection and your overall relationship) will help you to have incredible scenes and a fulfilling kinky relationship.

Here are some questions to start with:

  • How do you each like to communicate about consent?
  • What do you look like when you’re uncomfortable or triggered?
  • What do you look like when you’re having an amazing time?

This kind of attunement helps prevent misunderstandings and builds trust, which is crucial for intense kink play. Consent practices don’t have to look the same for everyone, but they do need to be clearly understood and respected by all parties.

In conclusion

Green flags don’t mean everything is perfect—but they can be helpful guidance in finding what you want in a relationship. They signal a shared commitment to growth, empathy, and ethical play.

Getting clear on the green flags that you want in your kinky relationships can help you to invest in dynamics that are going to be a good fit for you. There is so much kinky connection to be had! You deserve a kinky partner (or partners) that is proactive about having a healthy, informed, and empathetic approach to kink.