Gender Expansive Kink: Finding the Words that Feel Right

Language is a huge part of the experience of pleasure and kink. The right words can push our buttons in incredibly hot ways and heat things way up during a scene. But when we aren’t clear on the words that work for ourselves and our partner(s), the language we use can feel clunky, inaccurate, or even triggering.

Whether reflecting gender, size, ethnicity, intelligence, or (dis)ability, language can be negotiated ahead of time, just like activities are negotiated in kink. Finding the words that feel good/right/hot for you and your partner(s) is part of creating incredible kink experiences—experiences that feel amazing in the moment and that leave everyone feeling comfortable and respected.

Forget “Traditional” Gender Roles

Honorifics are often gendered, so if you’re using feminine or masculine language in your play, remember that these terms don’t necessarily align with someone’s actual gender identity.

Instead of assuming someone’s pronouns based on their chosen power role, ask them what pronouns and honorifics they prefer before engaging in play together. This simple act shows respect for your partner. It helps create an inclusive environment where everyone feels safe expressing themselves authentically without fear of judgment or discomfort due to outdated norms around gender expression within the kink community.

Kink is ripe for exploring and playing with gender! For example, anyone can be a Daddy or a Mommy. Power roles in kink are a state of mind, a reflection of power, not an indication of gender.

Dominant and submissive roles are often associated with specific genders, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Anyone can take on a dominant or submissive role regardless of gender identity. Power roles in kink are states of mind reflecting power dynamics rather than indications of gender.

Communicate

Include a check-in about language in your pre-scene negotiations. What dominant or submissive language is your partner(s) comfortable hearing and using during play? What words turn them on? And importantly, which words are they not okay with hearing?

It can be helpful to discuss these things before play so you don’t bump up against something that might cause gender dysphoria or even a trauma response. Keep in mind, however, that these preferences might change, and be open to adjusting your language if it verges into uncomfortable territory.

Make a List

You’ve probably heard of the Yes/No/Maybe list, so why not make a language list as part of your negotiation?

Having a variety of desired terms, pronouns, and honorifics at your disposal means you can acknowledge and incorporate your partner’s identity with every kinky interaction. If you’re playing with someone new, this is a great way to get to know each other’s preferences before getting down and dirty. If you’re playing with the same person (or people) consistently, this list represents both (all) of your preferences and can grow and evolve as your play does. Check out some of our suggestions below.

Gender Neutral Honorifics

For many people, gender-neutral terms like “Master,” “Dommy,” and “Doctor” can make it easier to embrace their most authentic selves without the fear of being misgendered by others participating in this lifestyle.

Dominant:

• Mx
• Master
• Dom
• Dommy
• Doctor
• Nurse

Submissive:

• Little One
• Pet (Pig, Kitten, Worm, etc.)
• Baby
• Brat
• Slut
• Sub

Feminine Honorifics

Anyone of any gender can use feminine honorifics in any situation! Some terms can even be used in either a dominant or submissive role, depending on the scene and your partner(s)’ preferences.

Dominant:

• Mistress
• Madam
• Mommy
• Princess
• Lady

Submissive:

• Little Girl
• Good Girl
• Bad Girl
• Princess
• Baby Girl

Masculine Honorifics

Just like feminine honorifics, anyone of any gender can use masculine honorifics in any situation! Some terms can even be used in either a dominant or submissive role, depending on the scene and your partner(s)’ preferences.

Finding the words that fit your vibe can be incredibly hot and empowering. Playing with language is a creative and exciting part of playing with each other!